“Tell Me About Yourself”

“Hey, I am Chris. My idea of a good time is going to concerts, dinners out, out for drinks, or watching movies. I am always looking to try new things”.

Left Swipe.

“Scorpiono – 6’ 4” – Gym – Master degree – Christian – MotoGP – Adrenaline – European! – Chicago!”

Left Swipe.

“Business owner, former athlete. Love to bbq, travel, explore Chicago, sports. I work out.”

Left Swipe.

“So, I am open book. Looking for the real thing. Interests: Travel, good food, all sports (Cubs, Blackhawks, Colts, and Bulls), karaoke, Ren Faire, outdoor activities, comedy, movies, craft beer, good bourbon, and live music. Just a genuine nerdy, but active guy. Let’s go on an adventure!”

Let’s not. Left Swipe.

Stop being so picky, Sneha. Stop being so fucking snobby.

“I like running, coffee, and justice”.

Oooh! Sharp, short, sassy. Much like me, don’t you think?

Right Swipe.

Fall in love with me already, Derek! It has been five seconds. Why are you not sending me a “What is the last book you read and really enjoyed?” or a “What’s your favorite pizza topping?”

Panic. What if he does not like my profile? Wait, what does my “About Me” say? I last edited it six months ago – wow, time flies – and I am such a different person now. Life has taught me so much in the last six months. P taught me so much in the last six months.

“Graduate student. I like good wine, cheese, stories, and books”

Ugh. Clearly, NOTHING has changed, and I cannot believe I am subjecting poor Derek to this pathetic description of my amazing personality.

Edit Profile.

Select All. Delete.

Oh shit, maybe it wasn’t all bad. Why did I delete that? I could have just added something. Ok, fuck it, let’s start afresh.

What should I say?

P used to say I was a bundle of delightful contradictions. Holding my face in his hands, he often asked me, “How are you so bloody judgmental, but also one of the kindest and friendliest people I know?”

Of course, he later told me that what he had meant was that I am the “ultimate hypocrite” but, you know, I do think I am two people in one tiny package. Also, fuck P.

Back to my pathetic Bumble profile. Do I even need this text? I mean, look at my photographs. I think I look cute.

Let me text Slushy. “Babe, do these pictures look ok for my Tinder profile? Am I looking fugly? . Let me know. Getting back in the game…”

Ugh, you know what, let me just add some description of myself. If I don’t, some people may think I am a bot, or that I am catfishing! Oh shit, Derek may think I am not a real person!

Ok, here goes: “Bundle of cute contradictions”. Ok, maybe not “cute”. “Bundle of contradictions”. Now I just sound like a child.

Will Derek like it? Or will he roll his eyes and think I am oversharing?

Ping! Text from Slushy: “Babe, you are the most beautiful! I love all your photos. Any man would be lucky to have you. Gorgeous girl <3 <3 <3”

She’s just saying that. She probably says that to all her friends. Whatever.

I wonder what Derek will think of my photos...

(Thumbnail photo credit: Chase Falk, from the article on The Orion)